Examining the Heart: How the Bible Guides Us to Understand Our Motives in Relationships
In the complexity of human relationships, our emotions often become tangled with fears, insecurities, desires, and sincere love. When conflict arises or something unsettles us, it's easy to react quickly—but Scripture calls us to pause, reflect, and examine the heart.
The Deceptive Nature of the Heart
“The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?”
This sobering truth reminds us that our inner thoughts and feelings, while powerful, are not always reliable indicators of truth. The heart can be clouded by self-interest, pride, jealousy, or fear. That's why God's Word encourages intentional self-examination before acting on emotion.
Inviting God Into the Process
“Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts: And see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.””
David's prayer is an invitation for divine accountability. Instead of relying on our own judgment, we are called to open our hearts to God, trusting Him to reveal what is hidden and lead us into wisdom.
Step 1: Pray for Insight
Bring your concerns before God. Be specific and honest:
Am I upset because I feel disrespected or unappreciated?
Do I fear losing control or influence in my relationship?
Is this about protecting our relationship and honoring God?
“assures us that when we pray sincerely, God’s peace will guard our hearts and minds.”
Step 2: Assess Your Emotions Honestly
Emotions like anger, jealousy, or fear are human—but if left unchecked, they can lead us away from grace and truth.
“Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath.”
Ask: Are my feelings leading me to build or to break? Am I focusing on love and restoration, or reaction and blame?
Step 3: Revisit Biblical Standards for Relationships
God's Word outlines the framework for healthy, God-honoring relationships:
Love: "Love is patient, kind... not easily angered..." (1 Corinthians 13:4-7)
Respect: "Let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband." (Ephesians 5:33)
Leadership: "The husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church..." (Ephesians 5:23)
Leadership in the home is not about control, but about spiritual guidance marked by humility and self-sacrifice.
Step 4: Evaluate the Impact of Behavior
Even actions done with innocent intent can lead to discomfort, mistrust, or temptation.
“Let us not... put a stumbling block or obstacle in a brother’s way.”
Ask: Could this behavior, even if unintentional, damage the trust, intimacy, or spiritual health of our relationship?
Step 5: Seek Godly Counsel
“Where no counsel is, the people fall: but in the multitude of counselors there is safety.”
A trusted Christian mentor, counselor, or pastor can offer clarity and perspective. Sometimes, an outside view reveals things we can't see in ourselves.
Balancing Your Motives with Grace
You may find that your concern is rooted in both love and natural insecurity. That doesn’t mean your feelings are invalid—it means you're human. The goal is to allow God to purify your motives so you can respond with grace.
If Your Concern Is Valid:
Approach your partner with gentleness. Share how her actions affect you and why they matter from a spiritual and relational perspective.
If Insecurity Is Driving Your Emotions:
Acknowledge it before God. Ask for healing and confidence. Focus on strengthening trust and cultivating transparency in your relationship.
Biblical Encouragement to Move Forward
“Let nothing be done through strife... but in lowliness of mind let each esteem other better than themselves.””
“Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life.”
“If it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men.”
Let your actions be shaped by humility, truth, and a commitment to peace. God honors those who seek His wisdom in the hidden places of the heart.
Final Reflection
Self-examination is not about condemnation—it's about transformation. As you seek God, you invite Him to refine your motives and deepen your ability to love well. That’s how relationships grow, and that’s how faith becomes real.
